I do not feel anything. I never feel anything.
I see a boy sitting right in front of me, who probably is hot because I see
girls staring at him but I don’t think he is hot. And then I see a girl in the
metro, who is probably “sexy” because the guy sitting next to her is really
trying hard to hit on her, unsuccessfully however and I am not attracted to her
either. And this is so scary because only last week did I start thinking that
something might be wrong with me. Let’s not go to being “physically sexually
active”. I am talking about my mind. I never have or had fantasies about any
girl or a guy. My best friend once changed clothes in front of me. And even
though she was just in her lingerie, I didn’t feel a thing. This means, I am
not a Lesbian. I go for swimming and I see guys there, with their swimsuit,
which are basically tight shorts. And nothing, nothing at all. His body doesn’t
make me have fantasies ever. Her existence doesn’t make me think that I can
spend my entire life with her. And it’s all so confusing because I have no idea
what is happening and why.
However,
the only possible romantic feeling I ever remember having was having a crush on
Patrick Dempsey but then, that’s me having a crush on someone I will never
meet. And I even dated a guy because he was nice, mind you, “Nice”; not in the
romantic way. We got pretty close to each other but then, it was him putting in
all the effort. And I guess he realized it, which resulted in us breaking up.
Although we broke up, we were pretty much close to each other, because I
thought that’s how things should remain. Then one day, I told him, trusting him
to understand the gravity of every word that I spoke. I revealed to him that I
never had urges during our relationship, to take it to a little bit more
physical level, while he was trying to. His reaction? “So, like, you are
telling me that you are like a unisexual bacteria? You are just gonna split up
into two and reproduce?” He laughed at my most intimate secret. And not only
that, he actually left me in the Cafeteria alone, not having the basic courtesy
to even pay his own share of the bill. I felt hurt and humiliated and realized
that may be this is how people will react.
I
am 23 now and haven’t dated a single guy. Where most people will think I am
just the perfect Saint for them, remaining virgin till 23, and probably thinking
of having sex with my future husband, I am not thinking of sex at all. During
all these years, I never once had an urge to see a guy naked or even a girl,
since Gays/Lesbians are more defined and more “there” in the society I live in.
The only urge I had was to cuddle with my ex-boyfriend. And that’s wasn’t even
romantic. It was snowing outside and it felt cosy in his arms. He probably took
it the way straight guys take but I didn’t. Even when I had my puberty and so
did my friends, I didn’t understand what was so great about sex. They discussed
it and I just stood there like “I don’t know what you mean”. So, I thought, maybe
they watch porn. I did that too. And I tell you, one of the most boring hour of
my life. I mean, two naked people on the bed, moving in sync with whatever it
is they are moving with. The girl was moaning for God knows what reason and the
guy was just…it was just a bad experience. And so, I resolved to read books
which contained erotic scenes. I read books and nope. Every time there was a
scene where they kissed and made out, I felt blank. And then there was this
time, when my best friend cribbed about how she missed kissing her boyfriend or
even making out, because he was on a Vacation to his hometown (this was when we
were in college) and I didn’t even understand what the big deal was. Like,
hello! I haven’t had any physical activity going on with anyone! I didn’t say
anything but I just listened to her because that’s how good I am (narcissist
much?). However, I did tell her my problem eventually because all the thoughts
spamming my brain were driving me crazy. She listened to me and we together
were driven into craziness with spamming thoughts.
What
I usually preach is never diagnose your disease on the internet. But this isn’t
a disease and that was my excuse. I searched Yahoo!Answers and WikiHow. And
there lay my answers. There were questions where people put forward their
stories, scared as hell because they were so confused. And then there were
people who patiently helped them out. I wanted to try putting forward my
queries but refrained from it.
Now I know what I am. Now I know how I will be leading my
life and I am scared because this picture has no one to whom I will ever look
at romantically. I will be alone. I do not feel sexually attracted to
guys/girls. I am an Asexual. I am an Ace. And my life, a new discovery that I
have recently made, is at the starting point. 23 years late, but yes my life
starts now. I am an Asexual and proud.